How could she do this to me?
Put me in this impossible position. Making me choose between my love and my family. I would never do that to her.
I love acting.
Since I was seven, I knew I’d be an actor. I had fallen in love with James Baldwin, Sidney Poitier, and Richard Pryor. I knew I’d follow in their footsteps, there was no other path I ever considered.
On that stage in front of that camera, I could be whomever I pleased. Every eye in the room is on me. There is no rush quite like it. I didn’t care about the money or fame or women or any of those things that came with acting. Only the art.
My first time on stage was nothing to write home about. I was a messenger in The Wiz. I barely had any lines and still messed up. It made no difference, I found my passion.
I wish I could say no one supported me. I wish I had an enormous chip on my shoulder from all my doubters. I’m an actor, not a liar.
My family, my friends, my teachers. Everyone supported me. Encouraged even. My mother wouldn’t hesitate to pay for an acting class or take me to an audition. My father would proudly tell anyone that listened I was going to be a huge star.
Neighbors would ask for my autograph, convinced it’d be worth a fortune one day. My teachers frequently pulled me up to do bits in front of the class.
That encouragement never wained no matter how many auditions I didn’t get. I did land some parts. Small roles in TV shows, local plays. The roles were few and far between.
Of course, I believed every word they said. I would be a famous actor one day. None of my favorite actors had an easy time getting to the levels of success. Why would it be easy for me?
I met Nina my sophomore year in high school. She moved to North Carolina from New York after her mother died.
She walked into drama class in the middle of my King Lear monologue. She was captivated by my performance. We had instant chemistry.
I told her she’d be my girlfriend but warned her not to fall in love. “I don’t want to break your heart when I go move to Hollywood,” I said that as a joke, but you know what they say about jokes and the truth.
We ended up falling in love and going to the same college after high school. Nina was a finance major, I wanted to focus on continuing my acting career but she convinced me to get a practical degree I could use in case acting didn’t work out. I ended up getting a marketing degree from the University of North Carolina.
When Nina got pregnant our junior year, I wasn’t sure if I could still go after my dream of being an actor. She held it down though. Said she didn’t want me to give up on my dream and resent her and our son, Trey. My eyes filled up with tears when she said that. I scraped together my savings, sold my movie poster collection, and proposed to her the next week.
I knew as long as I had her support I’d accomplish whatever I wanted to.
Six years and 2 kids later Nina and I were still going strong. We had moved to Atlanta to pursue my acting career. Nina was an analyst at a big 4 consulting company. I was picking up background gigs, stand-in jobs, and lead roles in small indie films, but still wasn’t progressing in my career the way I thought I would.
Atlanta was full of aspiring actors. I felt like I was better than all of them but couldn’t really find a way to shine. I had a decent agent. My demo reel was pretty good. I wasn’t sure what I was missing. Nina had been so patient but I could sense her belief starting to fade.
“Maybe you should take a break from acting, for now, love,” she said, “We’re not hurting for money, but the boys are getting older and need you around more.”
“I can’t give up Nina, I feel like I’m getting so close. Just give me some more time,” I pleaded with her.
“Alright Tony, but I need you to do more around the house. I can’t do this all on my own.”
“You just give me the word, I’ll do whatever you want Love,’ I crooned seductively at her.
She gave me a sideways glance, “Relax ya little freaky ass, I just need you to pick Terry up from school Thursday and get him to guitar practice on time. I’ve been leaving work early to do it, but my annual review is coming up soon and you know how them folks can be.”
“Baby, I don’t know why you put up with that bullshit, you could start your own business or something. You’re a genius.”
Nina rolled her eyes and walked out the kitchen, “Just don’t forget to get him Thursday.” I could hear the smile in her voice as she walked away. Something about that woman just drove me wild. So ambitious and beautiful and supportive. I often wondered how I got so lucky.
That Thursday morning I got a call from my agent Rich.
“I got an audition for you Tony! They loved your Demo Roll the want you to come in today for the audition. It’s a principal role in this new Spike Lee movie, I swear this fuckin role was made for you!!
I told him to slow down, “Shit Rich, I can’t just drop everything like this man. I need more details more time.” But inside, my heart was beating like a drummer on the subway. I couldn’t believe this, it seemed too good to be true. I took a quick glance at the clock, it was only 11. I had plenty of time to make the audition and pick up Terry.
“Alright Rich, just tell me what I need and where the audition is. I’ll head there now,” I told him as I snatched up my reel and my keys and ran out the door.
“My man, this is gonna be huge for both of us. All you need to do is bring that ass and knock this audition out the park. Things are turning around baby!!” he yelled before hanging up on me. Rich was a fuckin weirdo sometimes, but his energy was contagious.
He sent me the address. It ended up being a 20-minute ride the opposite way of Terry’s school. If this was a slam dunk like Rich said, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about.
I got to the studio and saw a few dozen cars in the parking lot. I didn’t think much of it until I got to the lobby and saw a room full of the familiar nervous pacing actors. There had to be at least 20 of them.
“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath as I made a beeline for the receptionist. I waked up to her and introduced myself, asked if everyone was here for the audition. She said yes, but assured me everyone wasn’t auditioning for the same role. In all my worrying about picking up Terry, I didn’t even think about that. That put me at ease a bit. I asked her how long I could expect to be waiting. She looked at me as if I were a huge inconvenience and said she had no idea.
I grabbed one of the empty seats away from the nervous pacers and checked my watch before getting into my pre-audition routine. I did this before every audition and by the time I finished, I’d be in the one and ready to go. I’d start off with some breathing exercises and voice inflection before going into stretches. I had barely started my breathing exercises when I got called to the back.
“Hey,” I said, “Could I get a little more time, I’m not quite ready?”
The person that called me back looked at me incredulously, “Are you serious?” He said after looking at the receptionist in disbelief.
“Yeah, I know it’s weird but I have a routine I always do before auditions. It puts me at ease and gets me in the zone.”
“If you say so, pal. I’ll come back for you later,” and he disappeared into the back.
I sat back down and started my breathing. Clearing my mind, deep breathes. Everything melted away. I was completely in the moment, ready to be whatever I was supposed to be. Then it hit me. I have no clue what role I’m auditioning for. What am I supposed to be?
I walked over to the receptionists again and sheepishly asked, “Hey, hate to be that guy but do you know what role I’m auditioning for?’
She looked at me, sizing me up like a teacher deciding whether she wants to believe a dog ate her student’s homework,
“You showed up to an audition and don’t know what you’re auditioning for? Are you serious?”
It sounded even dumber hearing her say it out loud. I told her to forget about t and headed back to my spot as some of the nervous pacers stopped to watch me. They had heard what the receptionist said and probably were glad they weren’t me.
I called Rich but got no response.
Around 20 minutes later the same guy came out and got me again. “It’s now or never bud.”
I turned my phone off and followed him to the audition room. I walked lightly and confidently. There wasn’t a nervous bone in my body. This was what I was meant to do.
I got to the room and instantly commanded everyone’s attention. I went through the lines, put emotion into each one. I read as if this were my final audition. Left it all on the table. When I finished I looked at the panel hoping to gauge how I did from their facial expressions.
Nothing.
They looked at me and debated for what felt like hours. Finally, they thanked me for auditioning and bid me farewell. I had no clue what to think.
I took a stroll to clear my head and think about the audition. What I did right, what I did wrong, honestly it was all a blur. I turned my phone back on to call Rich and realized I had over 20 missed calls from Nina and Terry’s school.
I fucked up.
I got in the car and tore out the parking lot trying to make up for a lost cause. I only had one text from Nina:
I picked him up. We’ll be at the house.
I headed to the house. I expected a storm of anger when I walked through the door, but Nina was in the kitchen drinking some tea.
I sat down and instantly started apologizing. “I’m sorry baby, I just lost track of time. I thought I’d be done in time to pick Terry up. Things just took longer than expected. I swear it was an acc-.”
She shot me a look that chilled my bones and cut straight to me. I stop talking mid-sentence.
“Where were you?”
I said nothing.
“Where were you that made you forget about your 4-year-old son in the middle of the day? Where the fuck were you?”
“Rich called me, he said he had an audition. Said it was the perfect role for me.”
She looked at me like shit on a shoelace.
“Well?”
I looked at her quizically.
“Was it the perfect role? Did you get the fuckin part?”
I looked down at my thumbs like an 8-year-old caught in a lie.
“I don’t think so.”
Her eyes bored through me. There was a mixture of pity and disgust.
“I need you to stop. Stop with this acting shit. I’ve-No, we’ve. This entire family has sacrificed so much for you and your fuckin dreams. We can’t do this anymore.”
My heart sank. I looked at her and I felt like I had never seen her before. She had bags under her eyes. From lack of sleep or tears or both. Permanent frown lines were creeping into the corners of her mouth. Crows feet appearing in her eyes.
Was this my doing? How could I not notice this? Have I been this consumed with my dream?
“What?” I replied meekly.
“You heard me. This acting shit stops today. You’re an adult with a family. Act like one. Get a real job.”
This hurt like nothing she’d ever said to me before. Something stirred in me that I didn’t feel before. Anger.
“What do you mean a REAL job? You want me to just give up on my dreams?”
“Fuck your dreams Tony! What about my dreams, what about our dreams?”
“You have your dreams!! You have your job!! You have your family!! Why can’t I have what I want! Why are you doing this to me?” I felt attacked, ambushed. What was she saying to me? Why?
Nina looked at me. She started in a hushed voice, “You think it’s my dream to work 70 hours a week and come home to be a single mom because my husband is out playing dress up like a little kid? You think this is the life I wanted?”
“I didn’t fucking ask for any of this Nina. You knew when we got into this, acting was my love.”
She looked at me. The anger and disgust were replaced by something new. Pain. I guess I had said something that she had always known but never said aloud. In my heart, she would always be second place to acting. Everything would.
She got up and walked out the kitchen, pausing long enough for one more sentence, “If you want to be a part of this family, you’re done with acting. That’s it.”
She left me in the kitchen stunned. I don’t know when I got up but I was standing up and my heart was racing.
So many emotions and thoughts. I had no clue what to feel.
The next few weeks felt empty. Nina didn’t say a word to me. I took the kids to school and picked them up while searching for a job in marketing. She had pulled a few strings and gotten me some interviews. I can’t say I tried too hard, but I eventually got a sales job I’d start in a few weeks. Good salary too.
I felt as though I was going through the motions. Rich had called me a few times, I’d forward him to voicemail and delete all his messages. My mother could sense something was wrong when we spoke but I refused to tell her what was wrong.
Nina and I were two ships passing in the night after a storm blew over. I knew eventually she’d come back around speaking to me. The kids could sense the coldness in the house.
She finally broke the silence one friday evening asking me if I wanted to do something, she had got a sitter. We could celebrate my new job. I told her I’d love to, I was just glad she was acknowledging me again.
She went upstairs to get ready and I heard my phone ringing in the other room. Before I could say anything, Terry answered my phone and I could hear him talking on the phone.
“Bring me my phone, Champ.”
His little stubby legs ran into the living room with my phone.
“Richie Daddy!”
I reluctantly grabbed the phone from him.
“Hey Rich man, I’m done wi-”
“Where the fuck you been Tony?? You haven’t gotten my messages or returned my fuckin calls!! What gives man?”
“I know, I know Rich. Me and Nina, we got into it, man. Real bad.”
“Geez, that fuckin sucks man. Guess what!! You got the fuckin role man. We got the role!!! They loved your audition man. I been trying to tell you for weeks. Now I told them you’ve been fuckin sick. That’s why you been out the loop. But they’ve already pushed back production 2 weeks waiting for you man. I can’t stall them any longer before they move on without you I need you in NY to start shooting tomorrow man.”
I looked at the phone in disbelief. I was still processing getting the part. “That’s amazing Rich. I can’t believe this...But I can’t take it. I told Nina I was done with acting.”
There was a dead stillness on the other line.
“What?” Rich asked.
“Our fight man, it was about acting. She made me choose between acting and the family. I start my new job next week. Medical equipment sales.”
All of a sudden there was an explosion of laughter on the other line. Rich was laughing.
“Whew, you really had me going there, Tony. This isn’t a comedy, you can cut the shit. Look, I’ll get the tickets and send you your itinerary. I need you packed and ready to go. I’ll have you on a red-eye, we’ll do a script reading and get you ready to start filming tomorrow. I’ll shoot you the deets. Tell Nina you got your break man. We fuckin made it.”
He hung up leaving me slacked jawed holding the phone right as Nina came down the stairs.
“You ready to go Tony?” she asked while putting on her earrings.
I looked at her, considering the weight of the seemingly innocent question she just asked me.
What am I supposed to do?